Demented Fellowship of the Ring
by Bakedo no Hikage
Summary: The fellowship has experienced some pretty akward things in the mines of moria, like an orc mom, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Elvis! WARNING: LOTR PARODY BEWARE!


A seriously demented version of The Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
Once upon a time, these nine dudes were out on a journey thingy. The dude's names were Frodo, the Ring bearer, Sam, the ummm, guy. There was Merry and Pippin, Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Legolas, and Gimli. Aragorn and Boromir were humans. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were all hobbits. Gandalf was a wizard. Legolas was an elf and Gimli was a dwarf. They were all, like, doing. stuff, when they came upon a place called the Mines of Moria. The fellowship walked in. They all thought that it was a dwarven mine, but saw a busload of dead dwarves on the ground with arrows in their eye sockets, butts, and. you know. They all continued until they came upon this one room. It had huge wooden doors, a tomb in the middle, a window out to the great outdoors shining on the tomb, and a skeleton sitting on a well that had no water in it. As the fellowship walked in, Gimli noticed the tomb. "No!" He cried. He then frantically ran to the tomb to see who it was. The tomb read: Here lies Balin, Gimli's homee.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Gimli cried. "Sniff, sniff." Gandalf asked, "What is it, Gimli?" "Sniff, sniff," Gimli started to cry. "This was my, my, my, my," Then he broke out in tears, "My homee! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My homeeeeeeeee! Boooooooooooo hooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! My homee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I think Gimli might have been sad, dude. Gandalf then looked around in the room. he noticed another skeleton on its bottom leaning against the tomb holding a book. He picked it up. He blew the dust off of the cover reveal it to be, "The journal Mr. Dwarfy- poo." "Okay." Gandalf exclaimed. He opened it up. "Oh, man, this is so sad!" Boromir asked, "What is it Gandalf, what does it say?" "It says," Gandalf started, "The goblins are coming, we can hear their drums. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Their drums are signs of, umm, they want to do stuff and kill us and stuff, I kinda think we ARE FREAKIN SCREWED!" "What the fudge?" Legolas said. Gandalf continued. "I am not yet done reading it, allow me to finish. Okay now, it says, The goblin drums are still beating; boom, boom, boom, OW! I just got an arrow in my krotch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! OH MY GOD! THAT HAS REALLY GOTTA SUCK!" "Owee! Dude, that must!" Frodo added. "Yea! Hahahaha." Sam laughed. Aragorn walked up to Sam and took out his sword. "THAT IS NOT FUNNY! Do NOT say that! It must hurt like hell!" He brought his sword down to Sam's, let's just say, painful spot. "Now would you like to know what it feels like?"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That is cool, don't worry, G, dawg, homee, homeslice, wodie, dude!" "I thought so." Aragorn put his sword back in its sheath. "Let me continue, dang it!" Gandalf yelled. "I mean, this is freakin hilarious!" He burst up laughing and threw the book. It landed on the tomb and the tomb went, BOOM! Gimli cried again. "Waaaaaaaaaa! You just threw the book on my homee!" He threw himself on the floor. He threw his axes and flailed about, his feet in the air. After Gandalf's little episode, he picked up the book again. "Okay, now, that was not funny! How could you guys laugh at that!?" Every buddy stared at him. Boromir just threw his arms in the air and shouted, what the heck! I need a stinkin Marlboro!" He then took out a little box and a lighter. He lit a cigarette and went into the corner, not to be seen. He threw the lighter onto the ground. Legolas picked it up. He flicked the switch and a spark flew. "Ahhh!" He screamed. "What was that!?" "Sweet!" Gandalf exclaimed, "I gotta get one of them for my staff! Oh, wait, let me continue reading the stupid book already! Okay, it continues. The drums are STILL beating. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. This is weird, are those goblins ever gonna come?! Oh well, I got an idea! Let us have some fun. Our drums go boom, boom. Huh?" He queried. "What is it, Gandalf?" Aragron questioned. "Okay." Gandalf raised an eyebrow. "It says, Our drums go boom, boom, and we go boom, boom, shacka-lacka-boom!" "Sweet!" Frodo shouted. "Yea, hahaha, sweet!" Sam added and smiled. "Dude, shut up!" Frodo ordered. Gimli smelt Boromir's smoke. "EVIL! I smell the smoke of Mogdur!" "Gimli, do you mean Mordor?" Pippin asked. "What he said!" Gimli shouted. He picked up his axes and ran to the source of the smoke. EVIL! He continued to scream. He then saw that Boromir was smoking. "Dude, no smoking in the mines, please!" And then took his axe and cut off the hand that Boromir was smoking with. The hand fell to the ground and it started pouring blood. Boromir's arm was gushing out blood. It was pouring out, dude! The bone was sticking out and guts could be seen. The puddle of blood got bigger, and bigger, and bigger. "Tight!" Gimli exclaimed. "How could you!" Boromir asked. He then slapped Gimli with his remaining hand. Gimli threw his axes and the two of them began a sissy slap fight. Meanwhile, Gandalf was enjoying himself. "This is sweet!" "Alright, enough with the sweets, okay?" Merry asked. "This is a groovy song! Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom! Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom!" Frodo added. "Spiffy!" And then after every boom that Gandalf said, he would add another. "Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom!" Gandalf was singing. Frodo stood on top of the tomb and started singing along. Aragorn and Legolas were doing the disco, standing right next to each other. Merry was break dancing on the ground near the entrance. Pippin was pretending to be beating drums on the skeleton's head on the well. Together, they made a sweet band! Merry got all pissed off. "Mr. Narrator, dude! I thought I said not more sweets!" "Oh, whoops! Continue with your little break dancing thing!" I said. Gandalf was still singing, but now grooving along and shaking his butt. "Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom!" Frodo the started to say words of his own while Gandalf was singing in the back ground. He now somehow got an Elvis suit and a microphone. He was singing, "Oh, yeah! I got the ring, baby! The goblins, oh yeah, are having a ball! Oh, yeah. Boom boom shacka lacka boom! We, we have ourselves a party! Oh yeah." Out of nowhere came a disco ball on roof and little lights roaming the walls of the room! Sweet! Oh wait, I didn't just say that! Frodo continued, "Hey! I like big butts and I cannot lie!" he leaped off of the tomb and spanked Gandalf once. "You other brothers can't deny! When a guy walks in with an itty- bitty waste and a round thing in your face you get sprung!" Oh my god! That's not right! Wait, that explains a lot! Frodo was still continuing. "I got the power, baby! Oh, yeah. I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. I am plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair; undress me everywhere! Imagination, that gives you creation!" Aragorn came up and added in a deep voice. "Come on barbie, let's go party." "Oh yeah!" Frodo shouted. "Boom boom shacka lacka boom, Boom boom shacka lacka boom!" Gandalf was still saying. "Come on barbie, let's go party!" "Oh, yeah!" Meanwhile, Pippin was playing on his "drums." He banged it a wee bit too hard. It fell down the well and went boom! "Come on barbie, let's go party!" Aragorn said. "Oh, yeah!" Frodo said. "Boom boom shacka lacka boom, boom boom, shacka..." There was a loud screech. The music stopped. The speakers that just magically appeared were going, "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!" As if a wire was unplugged. The disco ball fell from the roof and pegged Frodo in the head. "Doh!" Frodo exclaimed. Gandalf walked over to Pippin. Pippin was kinda scared. Gandalf took out his staff and pointed it at Pippin. Pippin screamed. "No, not that!" He held his neck as if he were being strangled. "Yes, that!" Gandalf shouted. He shot a little beam at Pippin's "painful spot." "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You freakin destroyed my man hood, dude!" Pippin yelled. He then fell down the well with the skeleton. There was another boom! "Shall we continue now?" Gandalf asked and put away his staff. "Umm, okay!" Sam, Frodo, Legolas, Aragorn, and Merry replied excitedly. Merry went back to the entrance of the room and started to break dance when the door flew open. A goblin captain, with his billion man troop behind him, roared. "RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRR! RRRRRROOOOOAAAAAA. cough, cough, cough! Does anybody here have some aspirin, I got a cough! Cough!" "Oh, yeah, I do!" Gandalf said. He searched his bag for a bottle of aspirin. He then gave a pill or two to the goblin. He announced, "I had a sinus headache, so I thought I would bring some, I mean, you know hobbits!" "Oh, my god, dude, you are right!" The goblin replied. "But, I am so sorry. I would really like to talk to you, but my script says I gotta fight you, ya know?" "Yeah, bummer. Why do we have to fight, screw J.R.R Tolkein!" "Oh, well, let's just have a little bit of fun, okay?" The goblin guy suggested. "Oh, okay!" Gandalf replied. "Everybody, take out your weapons!" Gandalf walked back to his fellowship and took out his staff and sword. Frodo, Sam, and Merry all took out their hobbit swords. Legolas and Aragorn took out their bows and arrows. Gimli and Boromir were still slapping each other to high heaven. Gandalf shouted, "Huddle!" The fellowship all got into a huddle. The goblin master asked, "Whenever you guys are ready, let us know, okay?" "Okay!" Gandalf said. "He then spoke in a lower voice the to fellowship. "Alright, no let's use attack plan AOII806KIHATIJG8015238IJHHERILBHTK8236IL25509265AIRJFHS9375HSDGHSHFDKJSD7327 83987F7943794274JH589F7843GJ4, okay? "Sounds good." The rest of the fellowship replied. They all dropped their weapons and then charged at the goblins. "We are ready!" Gandalf shouted. He then dropped his staff and ran with the others. The goblins and fellowship all got into a full-scale assault. I mean they were slappin' really hard! I would know because in order to get this all on film, I had to dress up in a dinky old goblin costume and join the skirmish. No one fought the leader, though. Gandalf noticed this and went over to him. "I realize that you cower away from battle and let your troops fight for you! Chicken!" "I am not a chicken!" "Yes you are!" "No I am not!" "Yes you are!" "No I am not!" "Yes you are!" Gandalf finished and slapped the goblin leader across the face. There was a huge moment of silence. The goblins stopped fighting, along with the fellowship. Boromir and Gimli were still having their little fight. Dang! That pile of blood at their feet is freakin big, dude! Sweet! "Shut the beep up, you little beeping beeper that beeping beeps beeping beepers!" Merry shouted. "No need for any of that, dude!" I replied. Dudes out their reading this, sorry, but I had to bleep this out! What was I saying? Oh yeah, the fight: The goblin leader started to well up in tears. He ran away from the fight and away from the battle. He stormed through the crowd of goblins and out of the room shouting, "Mommy! I want my mommy!" "Hehe, you guys are screwed now!" A goblin said. The goblins quickly left the room leaving a cloud of dust behind in their spot. "Holy crap, not his MOM!" Frodo shouted. The fellowship, excluding Gimli and Boromir, ran out of the room and to the bridge of Khazad- Dum. There was a loud series of booms, and a red light nearing them. The bridge was in pieces. They leaped across it. Legolas fell down, Oh well, guess he is dead. He sizzled in the lava. Ouch! That has gotta hurt! Merry also died, but who cares about him. Out of nowhere, the voice of Merry said, "I heard that!" "Whoa, that was pretty freaky." Gandalf stated. Aragorn and Sam had made it across the bridge. The booms were getting louder. What the heck is up with the freakin booms, dude? Frodo would not jump across. "I can't do it! I just can't!" Gandalf replied, "I am not going until you do, so get the hell over there now or I am screwed, I rock, dude!" "No, I can't!" Frodo said, "There is just no way!" Out of nowhere, another voice came. It sounded like an old man's voice. It said, "Frodo, you can do it! May the force be with you! And by the way, free your mind like that dude in the Matrix!" Then Obi Wan Keniobi's hologram thingy popped up on the other side of the bridge. "What the hell is that?" Aragorn asked. "My hero!" Gandalf shouted. "I have always considered you a father, Ben!" "Gandalf, the Stupid." Ben started, but Gandalf interrupted. "Do you mean Gandalf the Wise?" "No, you stupid piece of crap, I mean stupid!" Ben continued, "Let me finish! Now, hate to say it, but you're gonna die." "STOP!" Frodo said. " I gots to free my mind, like Neo! Wee!" He then leaped over the hole in the bridge. "Master Frodo! Yay!" Sam was exited. Frodo and Sam began to do a little never- ending ring around the posy in happiness. "Huh?" Gandalf asked. "But, Ben, I love you!" Obi Wan Kenobi was starting to fade away. "Oh, crap! His mom is coming! Goodbye!" He was gone. "Oh well." Gandalf sighed. That was sweet!" "ARGH!" Merry's voice shouted again. "Somebody just freakin shoot me!" Sam, Frodo, and Aragorn looked behind Gandalf in fear. They all ran away to the other side of the bridge and out of the Mines of Moria. Gandalf turned around. "God dang goblins broke down my crappy wall for da last time! Oh crap!" The goblin's mom was standing right behind Gandalf. She said, "Gandalf, I am your father." "What the hell is up with Star Wars here? I though this was Lord of the Rings?" "Oh wait. Damn! No I am not, I forgot." The goblin's mom corrected herself. I am you mother!" Gandalf started to cry. "Mom? I miss you , Mom!" "Oh wait. Damn! No I am not, I forgot. I the goblin that smacked's mother!" "Whew!" Gandalf sighed. "'Cause I was gonna say. I looked like you gained a few pounds there! Haha." "Not funny." She continued. Now die!" She slapped him so hard the he, too, fell into the lava. She then said. "God, that was annoying! I need some aspirin! Wait, no! You have the aspirin!" Then she jumped after him and into the lava. The two of them splashed and melted away. Now that was sweet! "Screw you." Merry's voice said again. Then a bolt of lightning hit me. Right about now I am kinda dead, so I shouldn't be talking to you unless... "You see dead people." 


End file.
